I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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