You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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