One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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