Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
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I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
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I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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