just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize