I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YAS. BRING CRAB.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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