How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize