Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
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He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
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People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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