nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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