I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize