So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
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dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
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I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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