I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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