mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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