The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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