You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
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I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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