literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
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so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
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How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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