someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
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I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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