She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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