apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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