I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
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Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
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He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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