I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
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What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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