Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
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apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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