i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
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My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
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While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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