I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
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That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
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I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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