T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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