I met the friendliest cop last night
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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