My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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