I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
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If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
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Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
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