I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
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I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
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The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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