Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
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Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
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My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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