oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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