I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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