Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
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He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
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Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Randomize