I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize