Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
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My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
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I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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