So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
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If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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