There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
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He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
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Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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