and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
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Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
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Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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