I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
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You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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