So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
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we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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