Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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