She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
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The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
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There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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