...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
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She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
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What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize