i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
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I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
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I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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