So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
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I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
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Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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