i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
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The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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