I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
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where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
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Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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