Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
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Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
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How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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