so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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