When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
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I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
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I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
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